Many of you who were drawn in by this title are going to be disappointed. Because I tricked you. You see, in our relationships we sometimes resort to underhanded tactics just like that because we think it helps us win the fight. Or we resort to personal attacks. Have you ever said, or heard from your partner, something like, “You never…” or “You don’t try” or “You have to…” or made excuses for double standards?
It’s the paradox of being a human. We have survival instincts that drive us to be on top, to be the best, to be the winner, but we have a pack mentality that drives us to coexist with other humans. And the result of that paradox is that we fight. There is no problem with fighting. It’s natural. Considering each of us is a unique creature with our own distinct desires, it’s bound to happen. The problem is the way we fight. Just because we argue doesn’t mean we have to be angry, and deciding upon a winner and a loser in a fight will probably do more harm than good.
So how do you change the way you fight? Here are a few suggestions:
- Don’t run from the argument – Take time away to cool down if you need it but always return to address the issue. If you try to avoid it at all costs, it will be much worse when it finally comes back around. Your partner needs to know you plan on returning, so don’t just walk away! Try this:
“I’m not in the right frame of mind to talk about this right now. Can we agree to talk about it in a couple of hours when I’ve had time to unwind from work?”
- State your feelings directly – As much as we wish we were, we are not mind readers, and we are not nearly as observant or attentive as we think. There is a lot you put down that your partner just doesn’t pick up on, and vice versa. You may be repeating yourself, but it could help you both to spell things out. Try to frame your feelings in this way:
“In __________ [situation], when you _________ [action], I feel __________ [emotion].”
- Give up put downs – Avoid attacking your partner’s character and calling names. Both are destructive. If your partner attacks your character or calls you a name, resist the urge to fight fire with fire. Try something like:
“It might have felt good for you call me _____ but I don’t think it is helping us end this disagreement. Let’s focus on finding a solution.”
The true way to win an argument is to put the relationship before the individuals and reach a resolution together. So the next time you face a disagreement with your partner, try to sneak in a few of these constructive tactics. If they are successful (or even if they are not), I hope you will check the blog for companion posts coming up in the next several weeks. I’ll give a few more tips on how to have a “good fight” and talk about other ways to improve communication with our loved ones.
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